#45: a kick start

 i received an amazing news yesterday: i'm employed!

but it somehow made me feel surreal? as if this is a sweet dream that i don't deserve? my whole life i've bee treated like a child - constantly needing approval and appraisal, but now i'm going into a new phase of life and she's not that chubby teenage girl who cried by the public phone in school asking for her mom to come visit during the weekend, she's not that lost teenage girl who struggles in completing her foundation studies because she seems to not be able to cope with peer pressure and the science lingo and she's not the girl who was constantly at the verge of giving up her degree because it was mentally and emotionally draining. although, she's still in fact the girl who has tremendous self-doubt and extremely self-conscious about her skills and ability, but she's working on that no worries!

honestly speaking, i've rejected several offers since september and the reasons varying from unattractive salary offered, unattractive job scopes and i even rejected my supervisor's recommendation to further my master's degree in built environment study. it was a difficult decision, no doubt, but i couldn't bare to imagine having my family supporting my studies at this age and i couldn't afford to pay it myself and with the whole ordeal with pandemic, i don't think it was a right move - not on my side. 

our life is written by the best writer, i'm glad that i was able to secure a job and i'm excited to embark this new challenging journey. i honestly have no idea what to expect but i know really well that i will try my hardest, bestest, greatest to fulfill whatever is needed.

i really want to buy a lot of things for my family, and the first salary will be allocated to bring my family out for great food, and maybe spend some pennies for my own guilty pleasure. hopefully i will be able to donate some to charity and wakaf al-quran, and i guess that's it. that's my goal now. 

we'll see how it goes, and until then. 

bye!

#44: an honest life update: from me, to me

 this will be very dark and honest. i realized that i haven't written anything in this blog for quite awhile now, and i'm pretty sure nobody will find it anyways - so, here's an honest life update from yours truly.

i've graduated.

finally.

after everything, i'm done. i'm proud that i pushed through, idk how i did that - but i did. but honestly speaking, degree had been so rough that i changed me. everything was mentally and emotionally draining that i had grew out of everything that i find joy in, and nothing (and i really mean it) nothing excites me that much anymore. my whole, i've always thought that i'd always be the friendly gal, your go-to gal but degree life shows me that it wouldn't always turn out the way you planned. 

second year of degree was where it started. a rumor about me spread throughout the class, everyone whom i used to casually greet whenever we bumped into each other started to give me weird side eyes, stopped greeting and smiling at me - turns out people saw me a the bad guy, mean, judgmental and just dark negative vibe. 

anyways!

i felt like ending myself, felt like i should disappear - i didn't want to be there, i didn't want to be alive. but i thought that 'hey, what's another 2 years? you'll go through this!' and of course i did but at what cost?

my mental well-being.

isolation. i thought it'd be for the best, taking my presence out? away? from everyone else, i focused on myself, my studies, my result. my main goal was to do great in degree, to graduate first class (which i did). but honestly, it was unbearable, i don't know who to turn to, i don't know who's my friend and the most heart wrenching thing among all - i didn't know myself. i had a lot of self-doubt, an identity crisis almost, where i was having an internal rage and the constant battle of 'you deserved these!', 'this is all on you!', 'it wouldn't happen if you're not problematic. 

and at that point, i was isolating myself too much that i don't know what i'm actually doing with my own life, and everything was too blurry and if you asked me regarding my timeline at that phase - i have no idea what happened, what i did, what was memorable, what made me happy because honestly nothing did. 

to be frank, i didn't know that i'd grow past the age of 22, and this is all surreal for me - being alive? at this age?

i didn't even allocate any goals, ambitions and whatnot because i thought i wouldn't make it.

i have great friends who helped me go through every day, and i couldn't be more thankful for their presence. for making sure that i'm doing okay, that i'm holding on alright. for encouraging me to pursue greater goods. encouraging that i'll stay alive. 

if it wasn't for them, i'd probably not be here.

i don't understand how anyone could stay as my friend for so long, like i'd unfriend myself because i'm just not emotionally available for anyone and i honestly have no idea on how to fix it. how to fix me? 

#43: what 2019 had taught me

Here's to the great journey that I’ve been through.

There’s so many things that I’ve come to learn in 2019. Explaining everything would be too lengthy, but, let me summarize bits and pieces of 2019.

Beginning of the year, January.

January felt like a whole year, it was dragging on too slowly for my liking. I had my finals, my semester break, and went back to Sarawak – all in a month. That’s pretty horrible. Then, the semester continues on without that much of a problem, or not too big of a problem for me to look into that much.

I did my internship training with Petronas, and never in my life had I ever expected that I will part of Petronas. I wouldn’t say it was a dream come true, as I was hoping for Maxis for months. But, God had better plan for me and I couldn’t ask for a better team to complete my internship training. I did a lot of things that I never visualized myself doing. Who would’ve thought that I’d spent my whole internship designing media collaterals when I’m majoring in Development Planning and Management, it was a love-hate relationship that I established during my internship. I had the opportunity to have quite a few meetings with big companies and big organizations, where my team delegated the task of presentation to us, the interns. It was a great journey, a great improvement for my self-confidence (that I had lost throughout degree).

I might or might not experience some heartbreaks in 2019. I wouldn’t dwell that much on that. All I could possibly say is that, I learned to let go (?), somehow. I learned the importance of self-worth, you can’t find your self-worth in anyone else – it depends on you, you need to work on yourself.

I learned that falling in love isn’t a race, you don’t need to compete with others – wondering who’ll find their true love first. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t need to chase for love. Love. Love, will find you, in unexplainable ways, they’ll come.

Lastly,

Thank you. Thank you for staying for the longest that you could. Thank you for being there for me, even for a short while. Thank you for being a great listener and thank you for telling me about your day. I do miss you, and the conversations we had daily. But, I understand we don’t have a future together (or so, that’s what I see for now). As much as I should be made at you, I’m not, and I never could bring myself to be mad at you. If anything, I’m madder at myself for not expressing myself, and not telling you how I actually feel about us, whatever you labelled us as. I’m sorry for not showing you enough you, to be a reason for you to stay. I’ll heal again, just as how I healed few years back. But, thank you, really.

#42

Alright so I have around one and a half hour left until 2018. So here I am, in my room and completely procrastinating on studying and writing a blog post instead. Kids, make me your idol, please, I am very good at time management, kids.

So anyway, since 2017 is ending I decided to write this last post for 2017, to wrap up the whole 2017 journey. Where should I start?

On January 2017, I was still doing my foundation in Dengkil and tbh, I don’t really enjoy Dengkil that much. It was hell; mentally draining and I didn’t interact that much with people around me. I went to class, went back to my room and I went back home every week. How I miss going back home every week. If I could turn back time, I would be more active in Dengkil, maybe join a few clubs here and there and organize a few events instead of going back home every weekend. Maybe I focus on studying instead of complaining how much I dread in Science and how much I wanted to pursue in TESL instead. But anyways, I had a few good friends that I treasure; thank you for making my foundation life bearable.

Moving on to my life after foundation – I worked part-time at Petrosains. It was fun, like, legit fun. I finally have guy friends after a while. I mean, you know how I have no guy friends at all when I was in SGS and when I was in Dengkil I only have 5 guys in my class and I only talked to one or two if I needed anything. So, anyways, Petrosains was fun. I spent a lot of time with Syaf, and made several friends there and tolerated bitchy attitudes from visitors from all over the world. Yeap. Ah! And I had the opportunity to perform for Volunteer Appreciation Day in Petrosains.

Aaaaaaaaand, I’m currently in Sarawak, precisely in UNIMAS for my Bachelor Degree. I think it’s pretty much the highlight of 2017, I thought that I would give up halfway through the first semester and beg my parents to enroll me in some private universities in Kuala Lumpur. But here I am, weeping in my room as I contemplate should I change my major or should I just go with the flow. I’m hoping that these 3 years pass by fast and I can finally graduate.

Things that I learned throughout 2017 would be; keeping my circle small. It was never my forte to go around and make friends, it’s not that I’m that much of an introvert but it’s just that I like my circle small. I’m more content with this small circle that keeps me happy and motivated to keep going. Woots! I haven’t joined anything yet for this first semester but I assure you guys that I will be back performing on the stage starting next semester. Be it dancing or theatre, I don’t really mind.

2018 resolution? Pretty much the same thing every year.

•  Trying to lose weight since I’m fat and flabby
•  Try to socialize with people in UNIMAS and maybe making my circle a tad bit bigger
•  Try to learn Sarawak language.  gdi, istg it is so hard to understand some words especially is there are talking in other dialects than the normal Melayu Sarawak. eg: Iban, Bidayuh etc.
•  Should I join netball again? But I have low stamina and high fat, though.
• Please, please, please be awarded dean list. I never had the opportunity back in Dengkil.
• Try to manage my time wisely
• Try and get a scholarship so that I don’t have to use my parents’ money. I feel so guilty having to buy flight tickets using their money, but then if I don’t use their money I won’t be coming back since I’m broke af.
•  Live happily and contented with whatever I’m facing with my small group of friends. Hiks.
• Write more stories!

And I guess, that’s just it. May 2018 bring us happiness? Or whatever you want, meh. Whatever.
p/s: I've deleted Sweater Weather from my blog. But! I've posted it on my asianfanfiction account. If you want to read it, it's there with several other stories, on-going stories.

#41

             I’ve been contemplating whether I should write about this or should I just keep it with me. It’s been bugging me and I just can’t see why it’s a big deal. Maybe it was my fault, but then everyone is different. Aren’t we all?

“That’s so rude”

            A screeching voice suddenly interrupted the class. I was paying attention to the talk given in front of the class the whole time. Of course I was shocked. What happened? I saw the lecturer walking in fast pace towards me and my friends at the back. I gave signals to my friends to put down their phone. This one particular lecturer really despise anyone who uses our phones during class, like, legit, she would go insane if she saw anyone using their phone.

            Unfortunately for me, sitting at the end of the line. She stopped right beside me. I wasn’t scared or anything. I mean, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, or did I? She snatched away my phone that I put on the right side of the desk and started lecturing about how rude it was to put our phone on the desk during class.

Wait what?

            Perplexed. I stared at her, trying to figure out, how it is wrong? I wasn’t even playing with my phone. I was listening to the talk given by pelajar tokoh fss 2017, who just graduated a few days ago. I was taking mental notes of her ways of studying and everything. Of course she did said that she never used her phone during class, I didn’t too. I only use it if I want to refer to notes online or if I ever wanted to google anything.

            This is absurd.  I told myself as the lecturer keep on talking about my ‘rudeness’ I was staring at her in disbelief and my friends were giving me eye contact, almost as if saying they were sorry. They were the ones who used their ones during class, but since I was sitting on the furthest side and she could only snatched my phone instead of theirs. I didn’t mind though, I thought that yeah okay she is just using me for example. Ok.

“Ni yang membezakan awak dengan pelajar dean list yang tengah bagi talk dekat depan. Dia baru bagitau that she ut her phone on silent mode and but it inside her bag, not on her desk. That’s why she’s a dean list student. And seeing the way you’re putting your phone on the desk, Nampak sangat you’re not paying attention. Macam mana nak Berjaya in life? See, she’s brought up by her parents who are professionals, that’s why she has great attitude unlike yours.”

            That’s when I realized, this lecturer, has gone too far. Just because the girl’s parents are specialized doctor and a lawyer. Being brought up by professionals, doesn’t mean that my parents or anyone’s parents did a bad job in raising us. Everyone is different, everyone view life and things their doing differently. Everyone have their norms, and ideology of their own, to know what’s wrong and what’s right. Everyone is different and yet, this lecturer, who obviously know how society work, since she is a lecturer of social science, who should know and understand how human socialized, how human thinks and all those related.

            My parents did a great job in raising me up, even though they were busy. If I did anything wrong, blame it on me. I was the one who decided to act like so. Not my parents, and it’s not due to how they brought me up. The thing that irked me the most would be how she said I’m not going to succeed in life. Who are you to foresee my future? Even if I’m sitting at the back, doesn’t mean I have no intention on studying well in university. My parents had sent me so far away from home, far away from my comfort zone, far away from my friends, I no longer have access to go around KL on weekends as I pleased. Yet, you’re talking shit about how I have no wawasan and semangat untuk belajar.

            You should just tell us to put away our phones and not talk about how our parents brought us up and how our future is without knowing how well I’m doing in class for the time being. How I’ve been doing pretty well, having high scores for quizzes, yet you’re confidently letting your outburst of rage and spurring things you have no power of knowing.

            I never really like this lecturer since the first class, and I’ve had enough. I still need to attend her classes in order for me to pass this subject. She even rejected our opinions when she’s obviously asked for them. During discussion, we were giving out opinions and laughing at the random ideas that popped out of someone’s mind, and being the strict ass lecturer she is, she told us to shut up and be serious, don’t laugh and whatnot. And, I’ve always thought softskill would be the most anticipated class throughout the whole semester. But she prove me wrong. I don’t understand how she is soo rigid, you’re teaching softskill for God’s sake, it was supposedly be a chill and relaxing class. But I guess, that’s not the case.