#45: a kick start

 i received an amazing news yesterday: i'm employed!

but it somehow made me feel surreal? as if this is a sweet dream that i don't deserve? my whole life i've bee treated like a child - constantly needing approval and appraisal, but now i'm going into a new phase of life and she's not that chubby teenage girl who cried by the public phone in school asking for her mom to come visit during the weekend, she's not that lost teenage girl who struggles in completing her foundation studies because she seems to not be able to cope with peer pressure and the science lingo and she's not the girl who was constantly at the verge of giving up her degree because it was mentally and emotionally draining. although, she's still in fact the girl who has tremendous self-doubt and extremely self-conscious about her skills and ability, but she's working on that no worries!

honestly speaking, i've rejected several offers since september and the reasons varying from unattractive salary offered, unattractive job scopes and i even rejected my supervisor's recommendation to further my master's degree in built environment study. it was a difficult decision, no doubt, but i couldn't bare to imagine having my family supporting my studies at this age and i couldn't afford to pay it myself and with the whole ordeal with pandemic, i don't think it was a right move - not on my side. 

our life is written by the best writer, i'm glad that i was able to secure a job and i'm excited to embark this new challenging journey. i honestly have no idea what to expect but i know really well that i will try my hardest, bestest, greatest to fulfill whatever is needed.

i really want to buy a lot of things for my family, and the first salary will be allocated to bring my family out for great food, and maybe spend some pennies for my own guilty pleasure. hopefully i will be able to donate some to charity and wakaf al-quran, and i guess that's it. that's my goal now. 

we'll see how it goes, and until then. 

bye!

#44: an honest life update: from me, to me

 this will be very dark and honest. i realized that i haven't written anything in this blog for quite awhile now, and i'm pretty sure nobody will find it anyways - so, here's an honest life update from yours truly.

i've graduated.

finally.

after everything, i'm done. i'm proud that i pushed through, idk how i did that - but i did. but honestly speaking, degree had been so rough that i changed me. everything was mentally and emotionally draining that i had grew out of everything that i find joy in, and nothing (and i really mean it) nothing excites me that much anymore. my whole, i've always thought that i'd always be the friendly gal, your go-to gal but degree life shows me that it wouldn't always turn out the way you planned. 

second year of degree was where it started. a rumor about me spread throughout the class, everyone whom i used to casually greet whenever we bumped into each other started to give me weird side eyes, stopped greeting and smiling at me - turns out people saw me a the bad guy, mean, judgmental and just dark negative vibe. 

anyways!

i felt like ending myself, felt like i should disappear - i didn't want to be there, i didn't want to be alive. but i thought that 'hey, what's another 2 years? you'll go through this!' and of course i did but at what cost?

my mental well-being.

isolation. i thought it'd be for the best, taking my presence out? away? from everyone else, i focused on myself, my studies, my result. my main goal was to do great in degree, to graduate first class (which i did). but honestly, it was unbearable, i don't know who to turn to, i don't know who's my friend and the most heart wrenching thing among all - i didn't know myself. i had a lot of self-doubt, an identity crisis almost, where i was having an internal rage and the constant battle of 'you deserved these!', 'this is all on you!', 'it wouldn't happen if you're not problematic. 

and at that point, i was isolating myself too much that i don't know what i'm actually doing with my own life, and everything was too blurry and if you asked me regarding my timeline at that phase - i have no idea what happened, what i did, what was memorable, what made me happy because honestly nothing did. 

to be frank, i didn't know that i'd grow past the age of 22, and this is all surreal for me - being alive? at this age?

i didn't even allocate any goals, ambitions and whatnot because i thought i wouldn't make it.

i have great friends who helped me go through every day, and i couldn't be more thankful for their presence. for making sure that i'm doing okay, that i'm holding on alright. for encouraging me to pursue greater goods. encouraging that i'll stay alive. 

if it wasn't for them, i'd probably not be here.

i don't understand how anyone could stay as my friend for so long, like i'd unfriend myself because i'm just not emotionally available for anyone and i honestly have no idea on how to fix it. how to fix me?