#16

Hello, this is the first post in 2016 on 1st January. How ironic.

Thus, high school ended coolly. I shall say. Basically, we when through a rollercoaster ride last year. It was hectic, indeed. With the fights, dramas. Damn girl, if you haven't matured through those things. I don't what can change your attitude.

Will you miss school?
Definitely. Those chaos. Those nuts. I would definitely miss my friends. The classes. College wouldn't be the same. Our schedule aren't as neat as school was. We wouldn't have those fixed timetables. It's different. And I, here, would like to confess, that I am beyond petrified by what will happen once I step into the college life. Will I have the friends that will stick through thick and thin? Or would I have to be alone? Those cold loneliness, would I feel that all by myself? Will it be tough? I mean, I know it is tough. But, am I capable enough to bear it on my own? I'm scared. Truly scared. How am I supposed to handle the world. It's scary.

Have you read about the kidnaps happening in Malaysia? And how it turn out to be the girl was actually with her boyfriend the whole time? What's happening to the society though? How irresponsible are you, making your parents worried sick. The nation went wild with the news. The girls basically was terrified to go outside by the so-called kidnap case. Getting all panicky when they saw a white van. The police was doing extra works just because your so-called phone calls saying you were kidnapped and someone was going to sell you. Wow, girl. You impressed me by your reckless action and your stupidity that exceeds anyone's expectation. It irked me how reckless the girls nowadays are. How freely their lifestyle are. Hanging out until the very morning, only to come back at 3 AM. What happened to the curfews? Is it not relevant anymore? Aren't the parents at least worried of their children's whereabouts? Damn bro, if I'm not home by 6.30 PM my mom would be calling me non-stop asking where I was. But, I guess, that's not relevant anymore? You could go out without permission whatsoever. I mean, you could at least inform your mother before going out. What if anything happened? I don't understand the society anymore. How oblivious they are towards the things happening. But they freely share news on the media social without knowing the validity of it. It's ironic, how they acted as if they cared about the country. Saying this and that about the economy, education, privilege, and stuffs. But do they do anything about it rather than ranting on the media social? Of course not. They make fun of the ministers. I know, The ministers themselves make fun of themselves by their statements. But hey, show some respects. And if you hate them so much, then do something. Gather up your strength and use your so-called skillful minds to find out solutions.

God, I feel old ranting about something else than school. I'm old. Damnit.

#15

It's the 7th month of 2015 yet its my first post for this year. How have you been? I'm pretty sucked up after all this misery but don't worry I'm staying strong.

How to not get tired of studying? I may ask. I may seek for the answer yet I'm still the same. Don't tell me I didn't try because damn girl I'm getting dark circles again. When was the last time I had them. Dad said he believed in me. He said he knows I could do it. Thank you for the motivation but I'm scared. Scared to disappoint everyone. Scared to give myself a false hope. I'm trying so hard that I think I'm at the peak of giving up. Nobody said it's going to be easy, never did I ever thought that it will. With the presence of my friends, I hope their strength will help me.

Talking about friends, I treasure our friendship.

I treasure it so much that I'm scared to lose you girls. I'm scared of hurting you girls. I'm scared that we'll somehow grew up and the distance between us will grow as well. Thank you for being my pillar of strength throughout the year. Thank you for being my companion. Thank you for studying together and making me realize that it is okay to study in group rather than locking myself from the world to study alone. Thank you for bringing myself back in live, more lively than ever. Thank you for eing the reason for the me be strong for any circumstances.You guys are my constant variables I guess. The one that I will cherish in my life.

I want this friendship to last. I want to go on road trip together, going somewhere we never know existed in Malaysia. I want to ave sleepovers, where we could sleep late talking shits about everything we wanted. Maybe talk about what we hate about each other and vice versa and pretty much solve everyone's problem. I want to go on adventures. But most importantly, I want to be successful with you girls by my side. I want to go to the highest peak of life and looking beside me, seeing you girls as successful as I am. I want to grow old with you girls. Get married, get married and keep having kids and we'll be on our kids' wedding and we'll talk about our past and laugh.

I want us to be like this together and I hope nothing goes wrong.

Hugs and kisses nigzzz, I love you shits

#13

Am I depressed? Well maybe I am. Maybe everything just hit me ao hard I can barely stand on my own. Maybe everyone's expectation is too much for me to handle. Maybe I'm just too coped up with some silly things I can't even fathom myself into it. Maybe I never really planned my life and ended up pitying my luck. But I guess that's just what I thought.

The thing is, I don't know what happened. I'm just tired. I'm exhausted by some mere things that I didn't remember doing. I like being alone. No.  I love being alone. I enjoy being alone. I love how the emptiness runs around me, how darkness envelope me. Maybe that's how enjoy my life at its fullest? 

I have my ups and downs. Everyone has. I never meants to hurt anyone. But I'm sorry, but, I'm too weak for this.

#12

Life's hard and no one could ever deny it. It never goes the way you wanted. But it's you who need to go with the flow. I never knew I could ever be accepted for SBP after being rejected several times, my heart had died for SBP anyways. But the only reason I went for it was for my family, I guess. What else could be the reason? Apparently, I survived months after months of mental torture there. Nothing big though, just the craps, you know, dramas. Not that I was surprised. Its girls school, all girls, hormones, emotional, pretty much equivalent towards drama. I never thought of quitting though. I guess, I'm doing pretty good in coping shits like that.

Now here's the best part. I learnt not to get too close with someone because everything that you do, you say, you think, might, or might not, hurt that someone's feeling and thus, world war III happens. You see, I get attached to someone easily, heck I could be clingy and people can't be mad because I'm that irresistible (that's what they said anyways). I say what I want to say, heck, I don't even give a single damn about your damn feelings, I'm used to that kind of shits okay. Little that I knew some people are very sensitive and some are hell insensitive.

To be very honest, I reached the point where I don'y give a single damn about anyone around me and I just want Form 5 to end soon, though we're not even starting yet. And please, I held no power to go against anyone's decision to quit or whatever. I mean, who am I to tell you what's wrong and what't right. But I just wish that I held a place, somewhere in your heart to actually be the alternate reason for you to stay. But heck, I know I don't and people around me kept telling me that I'm the only one who could fix that. You mean a lot to us, and that's the only thing that matters. I'm hoping to see you on the first day in SGS.

#11

The day has finally come and alhamdulillah, I got 8As. Finally, after all these years of failure after another I can finally make my parents proud once again. Alhamdulillah, Syukur. Praise the Almighty for the best result.

Even if you didn't manage to reach your target, it's okay. You've tried your best and you should be proud of yourself. PMR is not the end, try harder for SPM and I believe, if you try your ever bestest, you will be proud of yourself. Congratulation for your result. Flying colors or not, still.

And for my mofos, I still love you no matter what, okay.

Congrats for Alia, Sakinah, Wan, Iman, Qurrata, Fatin, Lala, Anis, Lyana, Hanim, Atika, Intan, Ain, Fatin. love yaaaaaaa