#15

It's the 7th month of 2015 yet its my first post for this year. How have you been? I'm pretty sucked up after all this misery but don't worry I'm staying strong.

How to not get tired of studying? I may ask. I may seek for the answer yet I'm still the same. Don't tell me I didn't try because damn girl I'm getting dark circles again. When was the last time I had them. Dad said he believed in me. He said he knows I could do it. Thank you for the motivation but I'm scared. Scared to disappoint everyone. Scared to give myself a false hope. I'm trying so hard that I think I'm at the peak of giving up. Nobody said it's going to be easy, never did I ever thought that it will. With the presence of my friends, I hope their strength will help me.

Talking about friends, I treasure our friendship.

I treasure it so much that I'm scared to lose you girls. I'm scared of hurting you girls. I'm scared that we'll somehow grew up and the distance between us will grow as well. Thank you for being my pillar of strength throughout the year. Thank you for being my companion. Thank you for studying together and making me realize that it is okay to study in group rather than locking myself from the world to study alone. Thank you for bringing myself back in live, more lively than ever. Thank you for eing the reason for the me be strong for any circumstances.You guys are my constant variables I guess. The one that I will cherish in my life.

I want this friendship to last. I want to go on road trip together, going somewhere we never know existed in Malaysia. I want to ave sleepovers, where we could sleep late talking shits about everything we wanted. Maybe talk about what we hate about each other and vice versa and pretty much solve everyone's problem. I want to go on adventures. But most importantly, I want to be successful with you girls by my side. I want to go to the highest peak of life and looking beside me, seeing you girls as successful as I am. I want to grow old with you girls. Get married, get married and keep having kids and we'll be on our kids' wedding and we'll talk about our past and laugh.

I want us to be like this together and I hope nothing goes wrong.

Hugs and kisses nigzzz, I love you shits

#13

Am I depressed? Well maybe I am. Maybe everything just hit me ao hard I can barely stand on my own. Maybe everyone's expectation is too much for me to handle. Maybe I'm just too coped up with some silly things I can't even fathom myself into it. Maybe I never really planned my life and ended up pitying my luck. But I guess that's just what I thought.

The thing is, I don't know what happened. I'm just tired. I'm exhausted by some mere things that I didn't remember doing. I like being alone. No.  I love being alone. I enjoy being alone. I love how the emptiness runs around me, how darkness envelope me. Maybe that's how enjoy my life at its fullest? 

I have my ups and downs. Everyone has. I never meants to hurt anyone. But I'm sorry, but, I'm too weak for this.

#12

Life's hard and no one could ever deny it. It never goes the way you wanted. But it's you who need to go with the flow. I never knew I could ever be accepted for SBP after being rejected several times, my heart had died for SBP anyways. But the only reason I went for it was for my family, I guess. What else could be the reason? Apparently, I survived months after months of mental torture there. Nothing big though, just the craps, you know, dramas. Not that I was surprised. Its girls school, all girls, hormones, emotional, pretty much equivalent towards drama. I never thought of quitting though. I guess, I'm doing pretty good in coping shits like that.

Now here's the best part. I learnt not to get too close with someone because everything that you do, you say, you think, might, or might not, hurt that someone's feeling and thus, world war III happens. You see, I get attached to someone easily, heck I could be clingy and people can't be mad because I'm that irresistible (that's what they said anyways). I say what I want to say, heck, I don't even give a single damn about your damn feelings, I'm used to that kind of shits okay. Little that I knew some people are very sensitive and some are hell insensitive.

To be very honest, I reached the point where I don'y give a single damn about anyone around me and I just want Form 5 to end soon, though we're not even starting yet. And please, I held no power to go against anyone's decision to quit or whatever. I mean, who am I to tell you what's wrong and what't right. But I just wish that I held a place, somewhere in your heart to actually be the alternate reason for you to stay. But heck, I know I don't and people around me kept telling me that I'm the only one who could fix that. You mean a lot to us, and that's the only thing that matters. I'm hoping to see you on the first day in SGS.

#11

The day has finally come and alhamdulillah, I got 8As. Finally, after all these years of failure after another I can finally make my parents proud once again. Alhamdulillah, Syukur. Praise the Almighty for the best result.

Even if you didn't manage to reach your target, it's okay. You've tried your best and you should be proud of yourself. PMR is not the end, try harder for SPM and I believe, if you try your ever bestest, you will be proud of yourself. Congratulation for your result. Flying colors or not, still.

And for my mofos, I still love you no matter what, okay.

Congrats for Alia, Sakinah, Wan, Iman, Qurrata, Fatin, Lala, Anis, Lyana, Hanim, Atika, Intan, Ain, Fatin. love yaaaaaaa

#10

it has been so long after my last update. feel so weird to actually write again.

so as for your information, i can finally lay back and relax for awhile since PMR has ended. yay me! how was the paper? well, bullshit. I don't care about it anymore, I think I pretty much flunked everything.

          Bahasa Malaysia paper 1 was crap, but i checked and scored 34/40. Good enough for someone who usually use bahasa rojak. Paper 2 was okay but I messed up on section C, I tried to write longer than usual, well crap, I don't understand a thing and I don't even know anymore. Agama was, well, let me tell you something, I do read. But I suddenly went blank and well, screw you! The next day, English and Geo was easy, yes, I'm quite confident. On Monday, Science, well I was never fond of Science. I guess you know the outcome. Sejarah was pretty easy maybe because I spent my study week completing my sejarah exercise books. The last day, Maths, well I must say it was pretty easy for me. But I can;t really be too confident because I'm known for being careless, and yeah, I'm praying hard that no careless mistakes were made. KH was, okay, most of the questions are KBKK, so well, I'm just hoping for an A.

     

       Since PMR ended. My lazy self has finally made a comeback. I've skipped school for a few days because my mom gave me the permission to do so. Well I pretty much cuddle myself under the duvet and watch some movies, read fanfiction, read books, and well yeah, I repeat. I wonder where my life has gone to, I'm in misery and I look like some weirdo and my bed is filled with junks. And don't get me started on my books. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, I'm planning to give it away to someone, might as well give to the Red Cross Society somewhere and let them handle it.

adios amigos i gotta live my life